Who the hell let her out of the house?

I like to think of myself as one of those amazing women who can do it all and make it look effortless. You know like a combination of Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray, but with the hip trendy looks of SJP. Needless to say, I am not even the slightest of each of those people. Sure I can make things, but only if they are the easy level and a 10 year old could do it. Absolutely I can cook, but well I am never going to win an award and sometimes it is frankly inedible. And sadly although I dream of Jimmy Choo, Manolo's and Prada I only own one mid line designer label, which I bough on clearance (and still spend entirely too much on). So it's obvious that I have big aspirations, but the lack ability to make it all happen. Case in point. Today is a rainy, cold, crappy, why the hell do I have to get up and exist in this world, much less put on clothing October day. Well, I barely put on clothing. I put on my best pair of sweats (which is a fashion oxymoron - they aren't juicy after all) and ratty, permanently dirty sweatshirt. I was only going to Michael's, then popping by my local grocery, what would be the point of putting on something non-nasty? Well, the trip to Michael's was effortless. I didn't actually find what I was looking for, but I found many other fabulous things that would make Martha weep. My family will be SO impressed with their Christmas presents (once I figure out how the hell to make anything out of what I bought). Then, I popped by the grocery store on the way home. Sad to say, my plan to go out into the world undetected began to go awry. At the sad little local grocery store, there hailing me across the aisle was one of my new friends. The type of friend you are really proud to have and secretly want her to think you are as cool as you think she is. She was brilliant, cheery, witty and brief. Was she afraid of the horror I presented in public? Or was she just in a hurry? I clung to the belief she was in a rush as I hung my head in shame and waited for my turn to pay. Somehow, I eventually found my way home and decided I could make up for my earlier fashion mistake by beautifying the outside of my home with wonderfully colorful mums I had bought at the grocery. I brought my 3 bright pots to the front and scoped out the scenery. There hanging were the pots remaining from the summer cheeriness. Sure, they were permanently fixed to the porch roof, but no matter. I can stand on something and plant my mums in them. It will look smashing. So, in gale force wind and rain I stood on a bench and attempted to dig a hole in a pot, that was hanging above my head. The dirt flew everywhere - on my shirt, in my shirt, in my pants and all over everything within a 10 foot reach. No worries I thought, it will still look fabulous. Until it didn't fit. Bugger. Okay, ummm, the plant is really several, I'll split them... well... this type of though process went on and on. Happily the neighbors got to watch as I dumped more and more mud on myself and my house. Strangely no one came to chat with me during the process, but maybe they were afraid that they would become covered too. Now I have a lumpy looking set of mums hanging from my porch looking like they went through hurricane Katrina. The last mum is just plunked on the front step. Why torture it - it already had to watch its brothers demolished. So, in one fell swoop I managed to disgrace myself and my home. Not bad for a Wednesday. So Martha stuart I am apparently not, but I am meeting with friends tomorrow. I think, with my dirt stained hands and body, I will go make a cake for them. I suspect I am somewhat of an expert cake baker. Ahhh, hope. Lovely thing!